Welcome to Jade's journal.
I hope something here will spark your interest.
Do not expect this to be another one of those happy, cheery journals.
I save the pretending for the "real" world.
This is where the Great Pretender will come to life.
You know the day couldn't possibly get any worse, when you wake up, and are almost instantly reduced to tears. That seems to be just my problem the last few days. It's just an indication of how much of a mess I am these days. It's almost like my whole entire body weeps at the thought of being here another day.
Have you ever been completely surrounded by "people" wherever you turn, yet you feel so completely and utterly alone? Yep that's me. My husband is supposed to be my support system right? Yeah forget about it. He was the last person on Earth that shoould ever have married a person who suffers from severe depression. His compassion is...well let's just say he doesn't have any. His famous words are "you're just being ridiculous." Those words are enough sometimes to go from depressed, to homicidal in 3 sec flat. If it's not him, it's my mother telling me to get moving, get up and clean the house, you'll forget about being depressed. Yeah, good advice, Mom, that's sure to help. As for everyone else in my life, my kids don't have the foggiest idea about what I am going through, and they are far too young for me to explain it to them. The rest of the world, they just suck and I am not about to open up any of the other people in my life, because I suspect that they will give me the same kind of answers, that I am so lucky to receive from my husband and my mother.
I was on two different anti-depressants before, but now I can't afford them, since I personally don't have any health insurance. The simple answer would be to go get samples from the doctor, but right now I can't afford $80 for that visit either. So I guess the only answer is to suck it up. The fact that I have to do that, is in and of itself, depressing. I am not at the brink of total dispair yet, but I feel it coming. I almost forgot what it was like, since I had been on the medicine for so long. It's also really amazing how much depression affects your entire life. Everything from getting out of bed in the morning, to trying to pull off your regular duties, to interaction with other people. Working retail, I have to do that every day, and it's increasingly becoming more and more difficult. Especially with people being so cranky this time of year. It's been all I could do sometimes, not to just reach over and strangle someone.
Well, here's to hoping for another day that succeed at not doing just that.