Right now I am so tired. I wish I was able to take a nap tonight, but Mike is working tonight, and our friend's son is here and my son has a friend over. Today was just nuts at work. I think one of the girls I work with is getting fired for stealing. I am not entirely sure because I am not privy to all the insider information, but I did see her in the office with our loss prevention person. He was there all day, I suspect reviewing the camera tapes. [Update: I am 99.9% sure she was sacked, after management called me at home to ask me questions about running my department. My guess is they did that only because the girl was invited to go home and not come back.] Too bad, because they now think I am going to help them to fill her shifts when I am barely able to work my own. This is one of the reasons I was ready to quit yesterday. I have a week's vacation time that I am entitled to this month. I don't even actually have it yet. I won't know for sure until tomorrow when I open my pay check. But basically, they are trying to tell me to just take the pay. BULL SHIT. I am entitled to take all of it off if I like, and I hadn't even intended to take all the time off, but take some time, and take the rest in pay. But now that they are insinuating that I should do that to help them out, and only for THEIR benefit, I feel like taking all the time off and telling them to go to hell. I realize now, that it because someone is getting sacked, that they are in a bind, but I am not the only person who works there, so they need to stop giving me a guilt trip, because I won't do it. But it's not even that I won't. It's more like, I can't. Here's why:

Last week I decided that I would tell my mother that I have been talking to my sister. Can you say, WAY WRONG ANSWER?! Now, she is pissed at me because she can't understand why I NEED to have a relationship with her. Well, I don't necessarily NEED to, but I want to. This is my decision. I have talked to my sister, and I think she is wonderful. I have enjoyed the few conversations I have had with her, and we have a lot in common. I explained to my mother how great she was, but I left out the part about how much we have in common and how alike we are, for the simple fact that she hates me and everything about me. The last thing I want to do is to tell her there is another person on earth that's just like me. At any rate, she is not taking it well. She can't understand why I would want a relationship with a "stranger" when I can't even have a relationship with her. Well, the short answer to that, is that she hates me, constantly insults me and my husband. Faults me for every evil that exists in the world, and is more combative than anyone else I have ever known. I have told her this, but the answer will not sink in. She has told me, that my sister doesn't "deserve" someone like me in her life, so to leave her alone. She pretty much told me that I was more trouble than I was worth. I told her that I think it should be left up to my sister whether or not she "deserves" me in her life. My mother knows virtually nothing about me, though she claims she does. She brings out the very worst in me most times, so that's all she really ever sees. I have tried for many years to resolve our problems, including the many years that they had me placed in a mental hospital at 13 and 14, the years in a children's facility, and the many years since I left home at 16. To no avail. It won't work. She wants me to be they way SHE wants me to be, and if I am not, then we don't get along. She constantly tells me I am phony to everyone but her. But the truth is, I am phony to no one. For her to be happy, I would have to be phony to her, and not be myself. I refuse to do that, and she hates it. Needless to say, she has reneged on her promise to babysit my kids, so therefore I am very limited now, to when I can work. So I get my boss on my ass, because I can't work when he wants me to. When I explain my situation, he just tells me, you need to work when I need you to work. Yeah, ok, as long as you don't mind me bringing my kids to work with me, and me spending more time with them than I do with the customers, you ass. And the whole while, do I get my Dad to support me? Yeah, uh, NO. I am his daughter, my sister is his daughter. You think he would support the two of us beginning a relationship that we have been denied for almost 30 years. But then you would be wrong wouldn't you?
This morning, I woke up crying again. I must be travelling somewhere in my dreams where things are great, and just coming back to this life, when I awake, is obviously distressing to me. It's good to know that, because that must mean I am in my own living hell, here, and that there is something great that I am missing out on. My husband has been less that supportive of me lately, and he blames our lack of a babysitter on me choosing the wrong time to tell my mother about me and my sister. My answer to that is, there will never be a good time to tell her, so I might as well suck it up now. I am being punished for existing. It's that simple.
I received a letter in the mail last night when I got home, that said my son was going to be in a spelling bee, and that it would take place at 9:30am on December 8th (today). The letter was dated November 28th, but was not post marked until Dec. 6th. Was I able to attend? Hell no, I had to work and it was not enough notice to change my schedule. SO on the off chance I would get my parents to forget they are pissed at me, I called them to see if they would be able to attend the spelling bee, so that my son had some support there for him. Again, WAY WRONG ANSWER. The excuse was this: we have things to do. Ok, lemme give you a little insight here. My parents are both retired (not that my mother hardly worked at all after I was born, she didn't need to) they do nothing but work on their house, and clean. Tell me that cleaning and fixing things couldn't have taken the back seat for an hour while you went to see your grandson compete in a spelling bee?? Evidently, not. Not that this surprises me much, though. They have done this to me many times before. In fact, they used to do this when I was a child as well. And they wonder why I am consistantly pissed off at them? Remind me on my next post to tell you how they didn't show up for my High School Graduation Ceremony. That's definitely another story.
Well, I have to wrap this up and get ready to get dinner now that everyone but those who lived here have left. Please cross your fingers for me that tomorrow is a better day!

I hate that you didn't get to go to his spelling bee. That pisses Me off and it didn't even happen to me. It reminds me of my daughters 8th grade graduation.I didn't get to go because I had to work. She was so dissapointed.She's almost 22 now, and we still bring that up. She don't blame me or anything. She knows I wanted to go and couldn't help it.I was single at the time and HAD to keep my job. You sure have family problems. It makes me feel lucky. My mom was absolutly wonderful. I just wish she was still here. My dads a differant story. He's an alcaholic, always has been. But he was a "nice drunk". He didn't beat us or anything like that. He did things like spending the rent money at the bar. Coming home real late and making our mom worry.Flirting with other women. He lives with me, but right now he's in jail for ANOTHER DUI. He gets out in Jan. In jail on Christmas, just like last year.I've lost count, litterally, of how many DUI's he's had. He's worse now that Stephen died. Stephen used to help me control Daddy. Now he's not here to help me and Daddy's even worse because of Stephen not being here.:-?

Anyway, I feel for ya. It sounds like, the very people who are supposed to be there for you and try to help, are just making things even worse and being assholes. I think a relationship with your sister is a good thing. Maby she'll be decent. I cant imagine having a family that's crappy and shitty to me. My family is WONDERFUL. What's left of them. And my guy, Pat, is a sweetheart. It seems like all he cares about is MY happiness. If it weren't for my family and Pat I wouldn't be able to get through each day. It's still hard anyway but, thank God for them. Hope tomorrow will be better for ya. Good luck.

Ugh - I hate to clean the house, too. The messier it gets, the more overwhelmed and yucky I feel. It sucks.
I found that the FlyLady (www.flylady.com) was pretty helpful with her ideas about baby steps. Even still, sometimes it's just impossible to get the fog out of the head, isn't it?

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