Well, Christmas is finally over! I am so relieved. I remember back in the day how depressed I used to get, the day after Christmas. Not anymore. I feel relaxed today. I lounged around most of the day, even though my house is in need of a good cleaning. I figure I will work on that tonight and tomorrow, before I have to return to work. Christmas was fine. Christmas Eve I had to work during the day and then we went to my Mike's grandmother's house for dinner and presents. Of course it couldn't have been without drama, some of his family members broke out in a fight, but thankfully it wasn't really anything to do with us. My mother in law was there and surprisingly enough, she actually talked to us. I almost shit myself. It's been 2 1/2 years since she even exchanged words with us, even though we have seen her from time to time.

Christmas day was fine, the kids loved all their new toys, and they got just about everything that they wanted. We stayed in our pj's all day and played with our toys. I made lasagna on Saturday and reheated it for our dinner on Sunday. I called and talked to just about everyone yesterday, to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, which was nice. Normally I just call the people we see all the time, but since I have free long distance, I called everyone. My brother ( my mom's son ) came by in the morning to exchange gifts and drink coffee and hang out with us for a little while, and it was really nice visiting with him, since we haven't seen him much in the last couple months, due to him working out of town. We talked a but about the whole family thing going on, and though he didn't come right out and say it, I got the impression that he supports my decision to have a relationship with my other "family". My brother and I have gotten closer it seems this past year, and I am thankful for that. He's the only "original" family I feel like I have right now. Later on, I thought I would be nice and call my mother and discuss bringing the kids to see her today, but that turned into a HUGE FIASCO. I am so tired of being insulted, and verbally bashed by my mother. She has a major issue with the fact that the kids didn't come BEFORE Christmas. She asked once for them to come over a week ago and at that time I was not ready to say yes. She didn't call or ask again, so tough shit. What difference does it make what day she gets to see them, isn't getting to see them at all the most important thing? Anyway, the phone call brought nothing but fighting and ridicule from her, and she ended up hanging up on me. Merry Christmas to you too. I am so sick of this. All because "I didn't tell them in the proper manner and that because I don't have a good relationship with her, I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone else. It's been all these years and I haven't had anything to do with my other brothers and sister, we have nothing in common, why do I need to have them in my life now." It's always about her, and she is pissed because this is going to ruin her "perfect little world" without them in it. Because she is probably jealous, and afraid that perhaps if I want them in my life, that may make my father want them in his life now too. Too bad, that's your problem is all I say. So many people around me have told me that they think that I am doing the right thing, and over the last few weeks I have had so many little signs or nudges, telling me that I am too. But it doesn't take away the fact that my parents have once again thrown me away because I have said or done something that they don't like. I wish I had been adopted. Although, that would cause another problem, should I ever want to look up my birth mother! <sigh> The worst part about all this, at least at this very moment, reduces me to tears. The fact that Mike and I both have to work on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Our shifts will over lap for many hours, so what does that mean? Another holiday where my poor children have to spend the day in a little backroom at Mike's work, because they don't have family that will take them for the day or for a few hours. That just breaks my heart. I feel so bad for them. They hate going there and they don't have much they can do there, and the entire time they are there, Mike can hardly get any work done. So New Year's will be horrible for us. We won't have any special dinner, or celebration or have any family to visit with.  And I am so sick of people, while they mean well, telling me that the Holidays are not about presents or spending time with family, it's about the birth of Christ and recognizing your blessings. Well, that may be true, but it sure is easy for those people to say that, because most of them have family to spend time with and don't have to work, or have plenty of money to give nice gifts to everyone they want. I hate to say it, but piss on the holidays. The last at least 6 or 7 years, have brought me nothing but problems, financial struggles, and family fiascos, so I could care less if we ever celebrated another Christmas. New Year's? It supposed to be an end to the year, and a fresh start. BULL SHIT. It's always just a continuation of the same crap we have dealt with forever. I apologize for being such a spoiled sport or a Scrooge right now, but this is what life has cause for me right now. I don't really pity myself, I pity the life that my children have had to live because of assholes who call themselves family. I could ask my father in law to take my kids on New Year's, but that's when they exchange gifts, and I am not about to have my kids sit back and watch everyone in their family open gifts, while they get nothing. Well, hopefully they won't be too upset that they have to spend the holiday in a cold, little backroom with nothing to do. Well, I think I am done writing now. I am thoroughly disgusted with life and I think I am going to start that cleaning now. Hope everyone else had a joyful holiday and that the New Year brings nothing but happiness and good things to you.

Hi Jade. I was glad to see you post again, even though most of it is about how crappy your holiday has been. I wish you would have had things go better. I'm glad you had a little bit of happiness though, with your brother. I don't want to sound like everybody else but, maby 2006 will go better for a change. I feel the same way you do, that it will just be a continuence of the 2005 crap. That's how it usually goes. But I told my daughter(who was also feeling this way)" Dang it, somehow I'm changing things this year. I'm gonna take the new start seriously and try to make everything different". Good luck and thanks for the holiday and b-day wishes.

PS- On Christmas day I started another journal dedicated to Stephen. My user name on it is stephens_sis. It's nice. If you want to check it out, when your in my journal, click on the "My Other Journal" link. Talk to ya later. Try to be happy.

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