Well, Christmas is finally over! I am so relieved. I remember back in the day how depressed I used to get, the day after Christmas. Not anymore. I feel relaxed today. I lounged around most of the day, even though my house is in need of a good cleaning. I figure I will work on that tonight and tomorrow, before I have to return to work. Christmas was fine. Christmas Eve I had to work during the day and then we went to my Mike's grandmother's house for dinner and presents. Of course it couldn't have been without drama, some of his family members broke out in a fight, but thankfully it wasn't really anything to do with us. My mother in law was there and surprisingly enough, she actually talked to us. I almost shit myself. It's been 2 1/2 years since she even exchanged words with us, even though we have seen her from time to time.

Christmas day was fine, the kids loved all their new toys, and they got just about everything that they wanted. We stayed in our pj's all day and played with our toys. I made lasagna on Saturday and reheated it for our dinner on Sunday. I called and talked to just about everyone yesterday, to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, which was nice. Normally I just call the people we see all the time, but since I have free long distance, I called everyone. My brother ( my mom's son ) came by in the morning to exchange gifts and drink coffee and hang out with us for a little while, and it was really nice visiting with him, since we haven't seen him much in the last couple months, due to him working out of town. We talked a but about the whole family thing going on, and though he didn't come right out and say it, I got the impression that he supports my decision to have a relationship with my other "family". My brother and I have gotten closer it seems this past year, and I am thankful for that. He's the only "original" family I feel like I have right now. Later on, I thought I would be nice and call my mother and discuss bringing the kids to see her today, but that turned into a HUGE FIASCO. I am so tired of being insulted, and verbally bashed by my mother. She has a major issue with the fact that the kids didn't come BEFORE Christmas. She asked once for them to come over a week ago and at that time I was not ready to say yes. She didn't call or ask again, so tough shit. What difference does it make what day she gets to see them, isn't getting to see them at all the most important thing? Anyway, the phone call brought nothing but fighting and ridicule from her, and she ended up hanging up on me. Merry Christmas to you too. I am so sick of this. All because "I didn't tell them in the proper manner and that because I don't have a good relationship with her, I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone else. It's been all these years and I haven't had anything to do with my other brothers and sister, we have nothing in common, why do I need to have them in my life now." It's always about her, and she is pissed because this is going to ruin her "perfect little world" without them in it. Because she is probably jealous, and afraid that perhaps if I want them in my life, that may make my father want them in his life now too. Too bad, that's your problem is all I say. So many people around me have told me that they think that I am doing the right thing, and over the last few weeks I have had so many little signs or nudges, telling me that I am too. But it doesn't take away the fact that my parents have once again thrown me away because I have said or done something that they don't like. I wish I had been adopted. Although, that would cause another problem, should I ever want to look up my birth mother! The worst part about all this, at least at this very moment, reduces me to tears. The fact that Mike and I both have to work on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Our shifts will over lap for many hours, so what does that mean? Another holiday where my poor children have to spend the day in a little backroom at Mike's work, because they don't have family that will take them for the day or for a few hours. That just breaks my heart. I feel so bad for them. They hate going there and they don't have much they can do there, and the entire time they are there, Mike can hardly get any work done. So New Year's will be horrible for us. We won't have any special dinner, or celebration or have any family to visit with.  And I am so sick of people, while they mean well, telling me that the Holidays are not about presents or spending time with family, it's about the birth of Christ and recognizing your blessings. Well, that may be true, but it sure is easy for those people to say that, because most of them have family to spend time with and don't have to work, or have plenty of money to give nice gifts to everyone they want. I hate to say it, but piss on the holidays. The last at least 6 or 7 years, have brought me nothing but problems, financial struggles, and family fiascos, so I could care less if we ever celebrated another Christmas. New Year's? It supposed to be an end to the year, and a fresh start. BULL SHIT. It's always just a continuation of the same crap we have dealt with forever. I apologize for being such a spoiled sport or a Scrooge right now, but this is what life has cause for me right now. I don't really pity myself, I pity the life that my children have had to live because of assholes who call themselves family. I could ask my father in law to take my kids on New Year's, but that's when they exchange gifts, and I am not about to have my kids sit back and watch everyone in their family open gifts, while they get nothing. Well, hopefully they won't be too upset that they have to spend the holiday in a cold, little backroom with nothing to do. Well, I think I am done writing now. I am thoroughly disgusted with life and I think I am going to start that cleaning now. Hope everyone else had a joyful holiday and that the New Year brings nothing but happiness and good things to you.

Right now I am so tired. I wish I was able to take a nap tonight, but Mike is working tonight, and our friend's son is here and my son has a friend over. Today was just nuts at work. I think one of the girls I work with is getting fired for stealing. I am not entirely sure because I am not privy to all the insider information, but I did see her in the office with our loss prevention person. He was there all day, I suspect reviewing the camera tapes. [Update: I am 99.9% sure she was sacked, after management called me at home to ask me questions about running my department. My guess is they did that only because the girl was invited to go home and not come back.] Too bad, because they now think I am going to help them to fill her shifts when I am barely able to work my own. This is one of the reasons I was ready to quit yesterday. I have a week's vacation time that I am entitled to this month. I don't even actually have it yet. I won't know for sure until tomorrow when I open my pay check. But basically, they are trying to tell me to just take the pay. BULL SHIT. I am entitled to take all of it off if I like, and I hadn't even intended to take all the time off, but take some time, and take the rest in pay. But now that they are insinuating that I should do that to help them out, and only for THEIR benefit, I feel like taking all the time off and telling them to go to hell. I realize now, that it because someone is getting sacked, that they are in a bind, but I am not the only person who works there, so they need to stop giving me a guilt trip, because I won't do it. But it's not even that I won't. It's more like, I can't. Here's why:

Last week I decided that I would tell my mother that I have been talking to my sister. Can you say, WAY WRONG ANSWER?! Now, she is pissed at me because she can't understand why I NEED to have a relationship with her. Well, I don't necessarily NEED to, but I want to. This is my decision. I have talked to my sister, and I think she is wonderful. I have enjoyed the few conversations I have had with her, and we have a lot in common. I explained to my mother how great she was, but I left out the part about how much we have in common and how alike we are, for the simple fact that she hates me and everything about me. The last thing I want to do is to tell her there is another person on earth that's just like me. At any rate, she is not taking it well. She can't understand why I would want a relationship with a "stranger" when I can't even have a relationship with her. Well, the short answer to that, is that she hates me, constantly insults me and my husband. Faults me for every evil that exists in the world, and is more combative than anyone else I have ever known. I have told her this, but the answer will not sink in. She has told me, that my sister doesn't "deserve" someone like me in her life, so to leave her alone. She pretty much told me that I was more trouble than I was worth. I told her that I think it should be left up to my sister whether or not she "deserves" me in her life. My mother knows virtually nothing about me, though she claims she does. She brings out the very worst in me most times, so that's all she really ever sees. I have tried for many years to resolve our problems, including the many years that they had me placed in a mental hospital at 13 and 14, the years in a children's facility, and the many years since I left home at 16. To no avail. It won't work. She wants me to be they way SHE wants me to be, and if I am not, then we don't get along. She constantly tells me I am phony to everyone but her. But the truth is, I am phony to no one. For her to be happy, I would have to be phony to her, and not be myself. I refuse to do that, and she hates it. Needless to say, she has reneged on her promise to babysit my kids, so therefore I am very limited now, to when I can work. So I get my boss on my ass, because I can't work when he wants me to. When I explain my situation, he just tells me, you need to work when I need you to work. Yeah, ok, as long as you don't mind me bringing my kids to work with me, and me spending more time with them than I do with the customers, you ass. And the whole while, do I get my Dad to support me? Yeah, uh, NO. I am his daughter, my sister is his daughter. You think he would support the two of us beginning a relationship that we have been denied for almost 30 years. But then you would be wrong wouldn't you?
This morning, I woke up crying again. I must be travelling somewhere in my dreams where things are great, and just coming back to this life, when I awake, is obviously distressing to me. It's good to know that, because that must mean I am in my own living hell, here, and that there is something great that I am missing out on. My husband has been less that supportive of me lately, and he blames our lack of a babysitter on me choosing the wrong time to tell my mother about me and my sister. My answer to that is, there will never be a good time to tell her, so I might as well suck it up now. I am being punished for existing. It's that simple.
I received a letter in the mail last night when I got home, that said my son was going to be in a spelling bee, and that it would take place at 9:30am on December 8th (today). The letter was dated November 28th, but was not post marked until Dec. 6th. Was I able to attend? Hell no, I had to work and it was not enough notice to change my schedule. SO on the off chance I would get my parents to forget they are pissed at me, I called them to see if they would be able to attend the spelling bee, so that my son had some support there for him. Again, WAY WRONG ANSWER. The excuse was this: we have things to do. Ok, lemme give you a little insight here. My parents are both retired (not that my mother hardly worked at all after I was born, she didn't need to) they do nothing but work on their house, and clean. Tell me that cleaning and fixing things couldn't have taken the back seat for an hour while you went to see your grandson compete in a spelling bee?? Evidently, not. Not that this surprises me much, though. They have done this to me many times before. In fact, they used to do this when I was a child as well. And they wonder why I am consistantly pissed off at them? Remind me on my next post to tell you how they didn't show up for my High School Graduation Ceremony. That's definitely another story.
Well, I have to wrap this up and get ready to get dinner now that everyone but those who lived here have left. Please cross your fingers for me that tomorrow is a better day!

It will be a miracle, and God's greatest accomplishment, if I don't kill myself or someone else this week.
I have been taking hits from all angles this week, and the hits just keep on coming. I am two seconds from quitting my job, three seconds from telling my mother to go to hell, and never speaking to her again, and four seconds from being the Grinch that stole Christmas. I have no desire to put up the damn tree or do any decorating. I wish I was a bear so I could hibernate through the whole damn season. People are getting ruder as the days get closer to Christmas, and I swear, someone is gonna piss me off at the right moment, and they are going to see stars. I wonder when I will catch a break. If life will ever be truly happy for me. There is no light at the end of the tunnel in sight. Maybe I will be back later, to elaborate, but right now I have to take my sorry ass to work. Tata for now.

Well, I'm back. I made it through the day. Fortunately, most of the people I encountered today were fairly pleasant. I didn't really have a whole lot of time to be depressed this morning because there was just far too much stuff to do. I really think that posting this morning, got enough junk off my chest where I didn't have to dwell on it, the entire ride to work. I also took one of the few anti-depressants that I had stashed as well. I save them for when I really need them. Today was definitely one of those days.

I have just been so irritated with my husband lately because he just has had no time for me. Whenever he is home, it seems like he finds something, anything to do, that doesn't include me. We both work a lot, and usually opposite shifts. We can't get a babysitter that doesn't charge us, to save our lives. My parents live only minutes away, but would never babysit for us to just spend time together. I have to beg and plead with them, just to watch my kids one day every other weekend, and when the kids don't have school. It's really annoying. I thought grandparents were supposed to love having their grandchildren around.
My mother-in-law used to babysit for us, way back when, before she went schitzo, but we couldn't afford to keep paying her. Then when we stopped paying her, she suddenly didn't have the time to do it anymore. Crazy bitch. That's one of the few reasons that we don't talk to her anymore. That and a whole lot of other things like, oh well, we can start with the fact that when she did watch my kids, they needed to bring their own lunches and snacks, and she would send them to sit in front of the TV. She didn't interact with them or talk to them. She never acted like a grandmother to them, and they in turn resented her for the way she treated them. I don't blame them at all and so I had no problem pulling them away from her. She went nuts a couple times in front of them, once almost running my husband over with her van, and then coming to my house shortly afterward and freaking out yelling at us. We almost had to call the cops on her. She pretty much scared the shit out of my kids and that was the final straw for me. This was all because my 19 year old brother in law, got in a fight with her, came to stay with us and packed all his crap and took it to our house, and we didn't call to notify her. EXCUSE me. I think if he wanted her to know, he would have called her himself. He was trying to avoid a scene, but as I have already told you, we were not successful with that.
When my husband graduated from college, she was not invited to the ceremony, but went anyway, stood up in the balcony and took pictures and was being a blat-ass, but never even talked to anyone. That's ok, she did kind of the same thing at my wedding. She was not invited to that either, because she treated me, my husband and my family like shit, and told me that I was not worthy of her son. GIMME A BREAK. My parents were hardworking people, had a gorgeous home, and were not hurting for anything. This woman didn't even work, legally anyway, she lived in a dump, her husband made like $7 an hour, she had 12 teeth and 3 of them were in her pocket and she had the balls to say that to ME? Bah. Anyway, I am getting sidetracked here. So needless to say, she came to the wedding anyway, dressed head to toe in black. Black sweater, black stretch pants, and $3 black canvas shoes. If St. Vincent DePaul had a catalog, she would be the centerfold. ANYWAY, I never liked the woman from the day I met her, two years before I started dating my husband. She was as phony as the day is long. But Mike had the biggest crush on me and I was dating one of his friends, so somehow, I always ran into the hag.  Me, Mike and the other friend is another story for another time.
But after Mike's graduation, his mother's photoshoot resulted in an 8x10 enlargement that she added to the 8x10's she had of her other children (only one was speaking to her at the time) in a quaint little shrine, complete with candles and the whole works (as told to us by my father in law). Can you say WHACKO?
Getting back to where I started from...
So you can see that it's not exactly easy to get time alone. We never get time alone to do anything. It was nice to have a day off together once in a while, when the kids were in school, so we could find time for a lil sumthin', sumthin', but even those days are long gone. My best friend works nights now, so I never get to see her anymore either. Life sucks right about now. About the only good thing in my life that brings me any hope, is the fact that I have begun to have a relationship with my sister. She is my dad's daughter from his previous marriage. I have only seen her like 4 times in my life. My mother completely discourages this, but she doesn't know about it yet. I plan to tell her in the near future, but I was waiting until after the holidays, so that I don't have to deal with that drama, on top of the stresses of Christmas. She lives in Virginia, so I don't really have the chance to see her often, but I have had several lengthy conversations with her, and it's been really great. In fact, I am going to try to ring her up, tonight. I am sure that will make me feel better. Well, I think I have yapped it up enough. I am sure I will have some more "good stuff" to talk about again, soon. Bye for now!

You know the day couldn't possibly get any worse, when you wake up, and are almost instantly reduced to tears. That seems to be just my problem the last few days. It's just an indication of how much of a mess I am these days. It's almost like my whole entire body weeps at the thought of being here another day.

Have you ever been completely surrounded by "people" wherever you turn, yet you feel so completely and utterly alone? Yep that's me. My husband is supposed to be my support system right? Yeah forget about it. He was the last person on Earth that shoould ever have married a person who suffers from severe depression. His compassion is...well let's just say he doesn't have any. His famous words are "you're just being ridiculous." Those words are enough sometimes to go from depressed, to homicidal in 3 sec flat. If it's not him, it's my mother telling me to get moving, get up and clean the house, you'll forget about being depressed. Yeah, good advice, Mom, that's sure to help. As for everyone else in my life, my kids don't have the foggiest idea about what I am going through, and they are far too young for me to explain it to them. The rest of the world, they just suck and I am not about to open up any of the other people in my life, because I suspect that they will give me the same kind of answers, that I am so lucky to receive from my husband and my mother.

I was on two different anti-depressants before, but now I can't afford them, since I personally don't have any health insurance. The simple answer would be to go get samples from the doctor, but right now I can't afford $80 for that visit either. So I guess the only answer is to suck it up. The fact that I have to do that, is in and of itself, depressing. I am not at the brink of total dispair yet, but I feel it coming. I almost forgot what it was like, since I had been on the medicine  for so long. It's also really amazing how much depression affects your entire life. Everything from getting out of bed in the morning, to trying to pull off your regular duties, to interaction with other people. Working retail, I have to do that every day, and it's increasingly becoming more and more difficult. Especially with people being so cranky this time of year. It's been all I could do sometimes, not to just reach over and strangle someone.

Well, here's to hoping for another day that succeed at not doing just that.

ME!
Thanks for dropping by.
I am glad I have finally taken the opportunity to set up this new journal.
I feel like I have been silent too long.
What I mean by that, is that my other journal doesn't get very many entries. There, I am censored. BIG time. I have to be very careful there, what I say, what info I reveal. It's nuts. My mistake was even telling anyone I even had a journal. Now all the people in my life that I want to complain about have access to it, and I know that they can't handle seeing truth in black and white. My creepy mother in law is definitely someone I don't want invading in on my personal thoughts either. That woman has serious issues, and if you continue to tune into this on-going saga, I am sure you will get to hear all about it.

I've got all kinds of stories I could share about my husband and God forbid, I say anything derogatory about her Baby boy, even though they haven't talked in almost 3 years. I will save that story for another day. My husband's family is a bunch of leeches. There's no other way to put it. He calls them gypsies, I say that's a good call. No one lives on their own. They all share live together, because most of them either can't afford to live by themselves or they would rather live in a basement, that isn't fit for a dog, let alone kids. They all claim poverty, but they have shiny new vehicles, and live in a dump. My situation's comepletely backwards. I drive a shit box, but I have a nice, but humble home, for my kids to live in. They don't live in a basement either.

I have a twisted family as well. I have family all over the damn place and no one talks to anyone, because at some point, some idiot pissed this person off, or did something unforgivable to that person, and then well, since I am not talking to this person, I can't very well talk to her, now can I? It's riduculous. On top of that, both my parents have been married before, and had children. My mother's children were raised like my full-blooded brothers, but I have been forbidden to talk to my Dad's children. HUH? Yeah, tell me about it. Well, I am going to be very bad, in that, well, I said screw that. Right now, that's one of my secrets, and I will get into that soon as well.

Let's see....ok I am 29 years old. I have been married for ten years. My husband and I were engaged when we got preggers and the wedding didn't take place until my son was 6 months old. Now we have a daughter too, she is 8. My kids' birthdays are 17 days short of them being two years apart. Eventually, I will get to the story about their birthdays. They were born in March, and so was half of our family. It's an interesting story, you'll love it.

Right now hubby and I work retail. We work for the same employer, in different locations. Let me just tell you now, that retails sucks. The people we work for become bigger morons as every day passes. If you think I am kidding...just stay tuned. You will see for yourselves.

What else can I tell you, to let you get a small glimpse into my life? Hmm...Oh, well I live in the North East part of the country. In fact, I might in fact live in the snow capital of the world. I don't want to say exactly where for now, in case some how that psychopath mother-in-law should find me that way. You know, I give that poor excuse for a human being, FAR too much credit.

So there it is in a nutshell. The rest will come in time...
I don't blame you if you never come back, because I promise you, there will be some seriously, ridiculous ramblings to come. But, if you dare come back, I am sure I will be able to keep you entertained. Now that I am no longer sensored, look out world, the real me is gonna shine.